Ponderings

'Tis Christmas Day and my mind is wandering, meandering through the snowy fields of my mind. Though I have my bad days still, I seem to have found a strange peace. It is a surreal feeling, this calmness. It is not resignation, nor is it defeat. It is not a powerful peace. It is not a soul swelling peace. It is a soft, floating peace. There is a feeling of being swathed in soft cotton. I am looking at things through a cloud, a film, a treacly river. It's an odd feeling, but not an unpleasant one. I have oft said that the ideals I strive for are tranquility, grace, patience, peace. I have, by some unseen twist of fate, achieved these things in some measure.

I am still bothered by things, and sometimes am unable to control how I react, but it seems as though these times come less and less frequently and with less ferocity than ever before. It is a quiet calmness that has a hold of me, and I am glad for it's embrace. I find myself looking back, watching the moving pictures of memory flit across the screen of my inner self; and though I flinch and turn my eyes from the scenes that bother me, I am able to complete the film. I sometimes think to myself that there are many things that I would change and do differently if I had the chance, but then I wonder if that really would be the best thing. If I did that, then I would not be the person that I am today. I would not have achieved this floating sense of self, this impenetrable peace of mind, had I not been through and done what I have.

My life has been a long and interesting road; filled with twists, turns, surprises, and calamities. Still, it is mine, and I am very lucky to have lived it. For all my downs, my ups and the things that I have been fortunate to do and see have been nothing short of amazing. I'd be a fool not to be thankful for the roller coaster I'm on, and I've been a fool long enough to last me for several more lifetimes.

This peace benefits not just I, I am learning. My Sweet struggles with his own demons, voices telling of his worthlessness and darkness. His own past haunts him in ways I am only still coming to understand. It seems my calm acceptance of what life has brought me, and the quiet strength of each of my days, is helping him to put the darkness in perspective. I never would have thought that I could be an effective role model in dealing with the inner struggles of the soul, but the good Lord has blessed me yet again. He has blessed me with this beautiful, sweet, gentle man who accepts and loves me; and he has blessed me with the means to soothe him in his moments of need.

Life is indeed beautiful, and I am ever blessed. God smiles upon me.