Life is such a strange, funny place to hang out. One minute you're listening to a buddy regale you with the latest tale of single, drunken debauchery as you yawn and wish you were drunk enough to be laughing at his antics; and the next thing you know you're facedown...
No, wait. That's not where I was going with this at all. Where in hell did that come from, anyway? *shrug* Oh well. Where was I? Oh yeah, life is strange. I don't think that would come as a shock to anyone, at least not anyone that knows even the least little bit about me. These last couple of years have been a wild, crazy, runaway pony ride - even more so than my usual chaotic existence.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure that I could pinpoint when the chaos swallowed me whole, but then I would just be lying to myself. I know the precise moment in time that my life was forever altered and I gave myself up to the surging tides of utter indifference. I was later told that the sound that came out of my mouth haunts the nightmares of old friends. That moment was the purest, hottest, most soul-twisting; the whole of the universe compressed into a single pin-prick in space; all of my existence/substance/self collapsed down into a single microsecond; sucked inside out and passed through the other side of the black hole understanding of anguish. Going back to that moment in time is mesmerizing. I become lost in the memory and time slows to a halt as I go back there; where there is no time.
Loss is something that everyone experiences differently I suppose, and I don't suppose my reaction was really all that out of the realm of the norm. I suppose many women would have made similar choices to the ones that I made when I gave in to that indifference. It was almost like waking from a fugue, to find myself warmed in the cotton embrace of comforting disillusionment.
I remember, I still cry, my heart still hurts for you.
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